February’s Misery (again)

In the fleeting-ness of my dreams I hear their voices; Clear as bells, young and rejoicing.  Their skin is vibrant and their eyes shine. They have no worries, no ailments, no broken spirits, or missing limbs. They are complete. And my heart breaks selfishly as I miss their raspy laughs, their streaks of grey, and scar tissues protruding. Their roundness, their smell of cherry cigars fallen stale on old pocketed t-shirts full of holes and stains of motor oil. The smell of aspercreme and chicken and biscuits boiling in the stock pot whilst filling the room with odoriferous emanations of the divine dinners they could cook, eat with us, or share. I want to be near them, holding their hands, hearing them laugh in my ear, smell their smells, but the morning brings not only the light of their absence, but the worries of another day, the disappointment that is found around every corner, and their laughter falls to dust, being kicked up by speeding cars, in a rush to go no where that matters, to please no one that cares. Off to be a robot, in the mechanical world of fake smiles, unappreciative bosses, and distracted spouses with children who would rather be someplace – anyplace but home. Family much to far away, friends at distances that a mere hug is unobtainable… and I… here… weary, a pack of reds, a glass of rum, and my verbal emesis to console me. Dreams unheard, words unsung, motionless but for this pen… and the stinging tears that I forbid to fall.  (February 12, 2011 – 1 month gone, Papa, I love you…) Happy Birthday to me (February 13, 1990-2011… I miss you Uncle Merle). Happy Valentines Day to you all, Gram, Sam, Garrett, and all my loves above.



  1. i know this is your month of sadness but it doesnt have to be that way. u have wonderful wonderful memories of your loved ones gone away. this should be a month to celebrate their lives and the happiness they brought you. throw a party and tell the silly things/jokes that papa used to say all the time. let others know the joy he brought you.. its infectious and everyone could use more joy in their life. which brings me to ur “robotic world of mechanical smiles”.. even if u dont mean it, u never know how that beautiful smile of yours can change someones day. next time, mean it and see the warmth wash over them and their day get maybe just a smidgen better. then its all worth it. i love ya amber!!

  2. It’s interesting to see this point of view. I can’t say fore sure if I agree or not, but it is something I will think about now.

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