Fallen


In Memory Of

I will hold your hand until I'm home.

Celebrate his life, do not grieve his death. That is what I have heard so many times in the days that have passed since my “Papa” passed. I’ve lost so many loves over the years I thought I had been rendered numb to the pain and desolation that followed their goings, but now I see that this is not the case. The pain is deep, the desolation lingers in and out though sweet sips of Dry Rum and diet coke. The tears have yet to really fall and I can’t find the light that was in my heart just weeks ago. I search and I look, in the lyrics of songs, some emotional twinge to set my tears free but all I find is a huge boulder of emotion caught in my throat and of course that soon passes and I am again rendered numb. I am not a “quiet” person. I am “known” for my verbal emesis… Even writing this blog is like pulling teeth. And Soon, tomorrow will come and I will start a new day – orientation for my new classes, back to work next week, and time will take all of this solitude and the numbness will stay… Move on, forward motion, progress, that is what humans do. And so shall I. But for now, another glass to fill, another tear to forbid to fall, even though I know, it’s what I need. I wish my family was closer. I want to be with them. I feel so far away. Not that joe isnt family, but even as a grown woman, I really just want to lay my head in my mommy’s lap and have a good cry. I want to hug my Gramma, be surrounded by Aunts, Uncles, and cousins. I miss my brother. I wish he was closer, and Summerland is too far away, just too far.

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