(Seasonal Affective Disorder)Also known as SAD is a mental disorder from which I suffer yearly. I use to think I was just weak-minded, and couldn’t get past the many great losses I have come to endure over the years. Although I have; over the years, Done my very best to curb my raging verbal emesis during this period of time, stuffing all my feelings and emotions inside myself, so not to effect the ones I love, it’s not so easy. Hearing a song can put me on my knees in uncontrollable tears for the intense overwhelming distress I feel inside. Sometimes I think I have survivors guilt. I have not been the most morally focused person over the years, especially when I was young, but still at the age of 30, I wonder what the higher powers were thinking when they took such wonderful souls to the Summerland and left me here to climb wall after wall to get to my next obstacle in life.

The trial and tribulations that I have watched my family endure and hurdle with ease leave me wondering where they gain such strength. Is making my own way my down fall? Should I walk the same straight line as everyone else? I don’t see how that would matter in the end.

This year, The dark season began early for me. Being unable to be with my family and close friends on the holiday’s has made me feel trapped, and alone. I know I am not trapped, and I am far from alone, however, being so far from the ones that love me unconditionally, and care for me regardless of my past errors, and who love me for me, flaws and all, Hurts more than being stabbed in the face with a dull knife so hard that it rips the skin and nearly un-fixable. Of course, I have never been stabbed in the face but I can imagine that having it done with a dull knife would be much more painful than a sharp one.

For so many years, I went off and did my own thing. I still do that now, but I try to make it a point to be with my family over holidays, call my grandmother, mother and brothers and sisters as often as I can without feeling like I’m a family stalker. I just don’t want to ever feel like I havent said I love you enough, Or be able to show them the appreciation that they all deserve. I never really said goodbye to Uncle Merle, Sammy, or Gramma Hazel. It’s a regret I carry deep inside of me.

My friends, They are much like my family. All far away from me, but so close in heart. I can’t see them, or hug them, or cry on their shoulders. I can’t go over for dinner, Drop in just because I was thinking about them, or watch the Steelers game over a round of wings and Bacardi. I miss them all so much. So it’s hard for me to be here, so far away, and watch everyone else pick up the phone and have everyone they love here in a matter of moments. Just a whistle or a nod, and all their friends and family are standing in arms reach. It’s hard, because I rarely get to do this. And understanding seems to be lacking. After all, How can one understand if they have never had to be so far away. I guess I don’t have to be… so far away from my loves, but as it stands, My Love… would never leave his loves. (so understandable) So, I will sacrifice and feel the infliction of the distance, so that he can have his. I guess that’s love. And what is love without a little bit of misery?


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